Heavenly Beverley : Slow Steps Forward...And The Odd One Backwards

Monday 14 May 2018

Slow Steps Forward...And The Odd One Backwards

All was not well with the Dowager Duchess

When caught in the Mad Rapist's clutches

Until he turned on the light

Took one look, said "goodnight"

So she hit him with one of her crutches!

This would have to be one of my favourite ditties of all time. And I recalled it immediately on being presented with the crutches for the first time today. Before that, I had been dithering around on a zimmer frame, looking and feeling very much like a somewhat untidy bird in a cage, longing to fly again.

And smugness. That bloody Seventh Deadly Sin reared its handsome and impossibly confident head out once again, filling me with unfortunately significant self-belief.

Let me explain. Postoperatively, I'd had a catheter left in my leg to supply local anaesthetic continuously to the distressed area - my knee. That device had discombobulated yesterday and had been retired. However, the delightful effects carried on their merry way until about twelve hours later. Suddenly, on trying to rise from being horizontal, at one o'clock this morning, I profoundly believed that some bastard had just chopped my knee in half.

The pain was pretty spectacular. Reducing to about a two out of ten level in bed, the discomfort would soar rapidly to a nine out of ten when the Oracle and I attempted to move as one. My fragile recovery seemed to have been shattered with the removal of the local anaesthetic.

I was even more subdued and suspicious when the evil physiotherapist held out my crutches as a possible saviour. I was still decidedly wobbly on the zimmer frame and I didn't think two metal sticks would actually help my ability to stay upright.

The first attempt was not a success. Unable to properly coordinate my body, I had too much weight on my legs for comfort and decided wobbliness. As fast as I could, I manoeuvred myself back towards my bed, landing rather like a breaching humpback whale.

I miserably resigned myself to a longer stint in our twin room at the Mount. Sliding into sleep once more, I then drifted in and out of slumber until early afternoon. Then, slowly, my thoughts turned to strategies to enhance my efforts to stay on my feet.

Enemy number one has been the sleepiness brought on by the heavy painkillers. I have resolved to come off the oxycodone and look at alternatives. Panadeine Forte is my pain relief drug of choice. And other changes will be to lower both my expectations of instant success and the speed I was attempting to harness on both the zimmer frame and the crutches.

So, I have been concentrating, hard, on these ideas. I'm using my arm muscles, watching my feet and narrowing the wildly outrageous swinging arcs I had been undertaking on the crutches. An angelic occupational therapist cheered my efforts, whilst checking our home status. She was also most amused was my opinion of the physio as "evil". Apparently, there is a considerable rivalry between OTs and physios, which she was happy to advance.

The nursing staff has continued to meet my every need. I would like to thank Barry, Salini, Nicole, Thalia, Rosemary, Victoria, Yusup and Sarah for looking after the Beverley Hillbillies.

I am still a bit sleepy but I have been on a walk around the ward with Vanessa. Michael has been agreeably applauding my efforts. Whether I do get out of jail free tomorrow or languish here for another day, I feel like the backward velocity has ceased. And I am delighted with this thought.