Heavenly Beverley : Bra Inducing Memories...Of Holsters

Sunday 9 September 2018

Bra Inducing Memories...Of Holsters

This week has included a tremendous discovery - that for the first time in my life, I am being embraced by a D cup. I have boobs. During many insecure and less than ideal years, I ran, I ate very little and I maintained a relatively low weight. Thus I didn't have much of a cleavage. Which was useful at the time as bouncing boobs are not fun when running to stay slim.

Fast forward to now. I am at the far more relaxed age of fifty-seven and weigh a good deal more. The slight downside is that I have neglected my bust for a good two years, as bras, even when supposed fitted, inevitably disappoint me. An ongoing issue is my narrow shoulders. Straps of all sorts tend to trickle down off my shoulders and end up halfway on my upper arm. Which is why I have resorted to wearing backpacks. And until Michael's birthday and our day in the Big Smoke, I had not realised that bras were available in a similar configuration to my backpack.

Oh, my giddy aunt! I am swooning in the presence of my racerback, front-fastening brand spanking new bras. The cups look enormous until I load my boobs into them. Then I marvel at my magnificent cleavage. And Michael's pretty happy as well...

However, getting into a front fastening bra is a whole new experience. It's similar to putting on a cardigan. Or a gun holster in all those 1970s American cop shows on the telly. Remember the Streets of San Francisco, Starsky and Hutch, Kojak (Who loves ya baby?), Mannix, Hawaii Five-0, The Rookies or Policewoman. There was always a scene in most of these shows when our hero or heroine puts on a gun holster (with a gun) under a coat. I must admit that I have never before considered the similarity between dated detective shows and bras. Or cardigans. Or backpacks. They all require a similar set of moves to position the required article onto our bodies.

Another problem is our warming climate. Gun holsters seem to always be under coats. What if it's too hot to wear a coat? Obviously, one would have to be able to secure a gun in a holster closer to the skin. So, a bra that could double as a holster could be the solution. And women have the bodies for such an assignment. Unless a bloke has particularly prominent man boobs, of course...

Which has led me on a particularly bizarre tangent. Perhaps danger will no longer come in the form of a sinister male stranger. Perhaps Granny or Great Aunt Nora is secreting a pistol into their front fastening brassieres. Having just finished watching "Red 2", I quite like the concept of senior citizens taking up arms to save the world.

Now that's an interesting thought.