Heavenly Beverley : Playing Elastics with (Demented, Defiant and Deaf) Dogs...

Thursday 13 April 2017

Playing Elastics with (Demented, Defiant and Deaf) Dogs...

Back in the age of the dinosaurs, I played some quite obscure games during my primary school years. We used to jump rope and play hopscotch and test our foot-eye coordination by the prowess of elastics. Two girls at each end holding the elastic apart with their legs at knee height. Scissor in, scissor out with a variety of set moves jumping in, out and on the elastic oval. Needless to say, I was never much good at this game.

We are now four months into our tenure in the Residence. The length of our stay is starting to be irksome. This has nothing to do with the actual living conditions, which are reasonably cosy in the diminishing warmth of autumn. We are lucky enough to have both a remarkably efficient oil heater and the choice of firing up the pot belly stove if the weather turns colder.

The painful reality is being provided but not only Ruby the Problem Child but Sascha the Tottering Blunderdog as well. Ruby is well known for her cunning, her persistence and her complete focus on replenishing her stomach at all costs. She has been noted checking out the bins behind the bottom pub, strolling with purpose around town and behaving with unwavering resolve in her quest to track down any delicious morsels that tempt her exceedingly warped tastes.

Sascha has changed somewhat in her character since December. She used to be utterly reliable at staying within the confines of the property. Not anymore. As the year has advanced, she has developed some rather annoying habits. Part of the issue is her unreliability with her waterworks. No longer can she cross her legs and wait until morning. So we can no longer leave her contained inside the Residence. If we do, we face a canine urine evacuation the size of Noah's Flood. So, in her twilight years, and developing cataracts, she also has increasing signs of deafness, defiance or dementia. Bollocks.

Now we deal with both the Beagle and the Blunderdog taking off on expeditions of curiosity and gluttony. We seek them here, we seek them there, we seek them everywhere. We are trying as much as we can to keep the girls contained. We often spend time with our eyes as wide as possible, trying to track the Dynamic Duo as they seek to escape the tenuous confines of our imaginary boundaries.

Which brings to this morning. Sascha had been returned to our humble home by the inimitable Julie Paull last evening. She had been discovered strolling the main drag. We had squirmed with embarrassment. Thus we had decided to keep the the Determinedly Delinquent Duo under house arrest. Or we would die trying.

When I awoke, the Blunderdog was contentedly snoozing on the large dog bed with her lover, the Jack Russell. The Beagle was tied to the bedpost. All three trundled outside. Ruby engaged in the longest wee known to man. Both Pip and Sascha marked her expanding puddle before she had finished. Then came morning treats - pigs' ears for the girls and chicken tenders for Pip.

I then tied the offending pair onto leads to prevent any absconding. Following their imprisonment, I attempted to undertake the dishes. Both the Femmes Fatales seemed to take great delight in tangling me amongst their leads. Suddenly I was transported back to playing elastics in primary school. How to jump, how to plant my feet, how to scissor, how to enter, how to exit. I did manage to disentangle myself without mishap and finish the cleansing of the dishes skilfully avoiding the mayhem of dogs and leads.

An absolute miracle. Until the next time.