Heavenly Beverley : The Department of Stealth and Total Obscurity

A long, long time ago, I was fortunate enough to know Paddy Pemberton, who was Head of Neonatology at Princess Margaret Hospital. Initially, I thought of him as rather severe and stand-offish. This was not the case, but my judgement was quite skewed during what was the life and death of my firstborn son Christopher.

Although the outcome of my little boy's stay here was particularly awful, I was able to really appreciate Paddy's gentle and compassionate nature through my involvement with SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support), which lasted a number of years.

During one of his simultaneously sad and sidesplitting talks, Paddy referred to a time when the Departments of Health and Social Security were joined at the hip. The staff were unseen shadowy beings, the work was shrouded in secrecy and the policies were mysterious and ambiguous. So much so that these joint departments were known by all, except by those who were employed there, as the Departments of Stealth and Total Obscurity.

Fast forward fifty years or so. The Departments of Health and Social Services are now separate and that's all that has changed. What is it about government entities that always remain shambolic, incomprehensible and unhelpful? Money goes in, money goes out, systems are upgraded and systems crash. The websites (MyGov being a classic example) are as clear as mud and about as easy to navigate as a rudderless ship. The staff don't appear to not know much more than the rest of us. I have been told numerous explanations by numerous Centrelink staff members over numerous years. Give me strength.

Today was yet another example of trying to get my head around this gobbledegook at Centrelink in Northam. Only last week - Ye Gods - we thought we had signed off on all the information required by Human Services (what an outrageous misnomer). We had been informed that due to changes in our assets, we would lose about $40 each per fortnight from our pensions. Okay, we could weather that. With one less set of rates, our expenses had been reduced as well, following the sale of our house.

We had also come away with a ringing reminder to update our bank accounts with Centrelink frequently due to an exemption for building our new house. I foolishly believed this task could be done online. Not quite. And I discovered to my horror, that our projected pension amounts were reducing by over $100 each per fortnight.

So I decided to see if our assets had been overestimated. Whilst Michael braved the dentist on his own, I returned to that exquisite cave of confusion known as Centrelink. This visit, I was with Margaret. My query over the value of our assets turned into a marathon of multiplication and a repeating chorus of checking. During this interminable ordeal, she seemed as dazed and disorientated as I was.

In the end, I realised that I had just wasted two hours or so of my life. Apparently, Centrelink staff are privy to information on their screens that remain invisible to the mug punters. So they can give me information until I collapse, but I have no way of verifying how they arrive at their conclusions. The same with assets. I disagreed with the amount that had been "quarantined" for the purposes of building our house. I believed $20 000 more should have been included in that amount. Trying to argue our position was like pounding my head into the nearest brick wall. I realised, shortly before succumbing, that attempting to alter this figure in our favour was a pointless exercise. Soon afterwards, I staggered out, my head reeling.

I met Michael at the dentist and we set out for home. A quick stop for scripts and we arrived back in Heavenly Beverley, looking forward to a cup of tea and coffee with Vanessa's delicious apple cake. That was when I realised the insanity of the Department of Stealth and Total Obscurity was not worth all that effort.

How we will manage with less of our pensions is still a mystery. In the meantime, my brain has stopped pounding, my tea and cake were delicious and I am looking forward to spag bog and a glass of vino this evening. And that is what is truly important.

Cheers.