Heavenly Beverley : Kate Becomes the Bionic Woman

When I was in my early teens, no Sunday afternoon was complete without an episode of the Six Million Dollar Man. I would sit on the floor, in front of Mum and Dad's dinky little black and white telly, watching my hero Steve Austin save the world, with all the appropriate sound effects of super fast running (in slow motion of course), super fast crushing with his cyborg arm and breathless, rapidly blinking close ups of his super sensitive eye. I lived for Sunday afternoons.

Then they introduced a love interest for lonely Steve. This was Jaimie Summers, slim, gorgeous with flowing hair that never seemed to get caught in Steve's mouth when they kissed...

We could all feel a wedding in the air.

Instead, they killed her off in a skydiving accident. I was distraught and grief stricken. We were all mourning Jaimie and letters (yes, letters!) bombarded the TV network responsible for this disaster. So, in a stroke of genius, they brought her back, with new legs, a new arm and (wait for it) a bionic ear. All the better to hear you with...And with amnesia. Excellent. Now we would get a chance to see the love affair blossom all over again. Except, the relationship never quite took off. We all blamed Jaimie's memory loss. The truth was simpler. Apparently, the two actors playing the happy couple couldn't stand each other.

Fast forward forty years. The Bionic Woman has been reborn and I am she...! On Wednesday, I was rebuilt. With the help of the Boy Wonder (his alter ego is mild-mannered orthopaedic surgeon Ben Kimberley), I no longer have a left shoulder with frayed tendons, narrow spaces in the joint itself, a dodgy carpal tunnel and an untrustworthy right shoulder. I have been defrayed, with some deft chiselling within the joint and a release of the left carpal tunnel - I didn't even know my carpal tunnel was in gaol. My right shoulder has been rejuvenated with a cortisone injection I didn't feel.

Apart from the usual drifting sleepiness, I had no unpleasant side effects. I have no memory of being awake when they deposited me back into my tiny room post op. Which Michael was sharing as a boarder. He reported I did sound like me, but it was pretty obvious that I was off with the fairies.

When I finally emerged from anaesthetic slumber properly, Michael behaved with as much aplomb as Walter Raleigh had for the Virgin Queen. And I didn't even have him executed...He helped feed me, took me to the loo and assisted me with my knickers, remade my bed and adjusted my particularly fetching hospital gown. In the morning, he showered me, made me the best cup of tea, opened the sugar for my weet bix and commiserated with me about the pink antiseptic all over my left boob. What a man *sigh of perpetual love*.

We fled the hospital as soon as possible yesterday morning. Stopping for essential medicinal liquids at First Choice, we then lunched with Lucky, Michael's Dad, before heading for the hills. Arriving home just before three, we were greeted by ecstatic dogs, a miffed cat, an excitable parrot, a clean house and our fantastic daughter who had stepped into the breach (again) with impressive efficiency.

The Beverley Hillbillies crashed for a couple of hours and woke, refreshed, in the last hour of daylight. I indulged myself with some one-handed watering of my pots whilst Vanessa assisted me with my vino glass.

She made a sensational spag bog and salad and kept me well topped up with pain relief. Upon awaking this morning, the house was spotless (until Madame Cat made her entrance) and the washing and ironing up to date.

My left shoulder is extraordinary. Day 2 post op and I have more movement in it now than I have had for weeks. It aches but the sudden strikes of sharp, intense pain, even when I was doing nothing, have stopped. Only my hand and wrist are still very painful. My right shoulder feels much better and I expect it will be as good as new as I will be able to cease the additional effort it has been carrying.

I have been religious about the exercises I need to do (so not me!) and pain is under control with vino and panadeine forte. OMG. I may not have the looks, the figure or that super sensitive ear, but I am the Bionic Woman!