Michael is generally the most genial, patient and tolerant of men. For example, this morning I found his very expensive bonsai branch cutters that I had left on top of an outside pillar for about the last six weeks. (I actually believed I'd accidentally thrown them out 😢). My relief that I was not a total idiot was tempered by the fact that they had been exposed to the weather and had had developed a reasonable smattering of rust. Fortunately, Michael's grinding wheel will take care of the rust and he will also give them a coat of clear lacquer to safeguard them from any further outdoor adventures. And no, he was not the slightest bit cranky with me...
An utter paradox of this persona is his immense pleasure in watching movies on the telly that are definitely not my cup of tea. He has been absolutely mesmerised by the "John Wick" franchise. Each of these movies is chock-full of violence, uber-aggression and non-stop, nonsensical action. The smell of the dominant male is all pervasive. The story-lines are just an adjunct to shooting, stabbing, fighting, bombing and of course, rocket launching. In my opinion, Mister Wick is a miserable brooding creature with no redeeming features whatsoever. Somebody really needs to end his suffering...
Yet, Michael loves this series and has watched most, if not all the Chapters. Because these movies are devoid of any rational plot, he usually forgets which he has seen and which he has not. However, quite frankly, Mister Wick is no longer welcome in Station House.
On Saturday night, I fell asleep during a far more pleasurable excursion to Midsomer, watching the ever-reliable John Barnaby and Jamie Winter solve yet another series of relatively grisly murders. Retiring to bed, Michael then gleefully switched over to "John Wick Chapter 73" and settled in for a gratuitous fix of violent action. And that's when the trouble began...
Michael eventually climbed into our bed sometime around midnight. Somehow, a series of unfortunate events then transpired during the rest of the night, which I think were caused by too much essence of Mister John Wick permeating our consciousness.
I had an exceptionally vivid dream about having to break my string of lovely pearls I always wear around my neck. Which I did, whilst being sound asleep. Michael found the string bits during the night and tucked them under my pillow. Upon arising in the morning, two additional pearls that had been underneath my bottom, hit the deck and rolled under a bookshelf. Obviously, I am definitely not as sensitive as the main protagonist in "The Princess and the Pea"!
In addition, Michael's CPAP mask found its way onto another bookshelf, probably being tossed there by Himself at some stage in the wee small hours of the morning. Usually, if he removes his mask, it only ventures behind his head or onto his bedside table. He had no memory of having thrown his mask a reasonable distance and no explanation of why he had done so.
Finally, Lexi was in fine form in the early morning, finding Michael's old camera bag, opening all three zippers and removing the charger cord and plug, which she joyfully demolished on her bed. Not quite satisfied with those efforts, she then left an enormous wee trail by the back screen door. A touch of guilt, a hint of regret? No such luck. We woke to the repetitive CLUNK of Lexi launching the electric plug across the lino, chasing it, retrieving it, giving it another decent chomp and then beginning her game all over again.
That was the ultimate insult. The moon was not full, the date was not significant and we had not been disturbed by any other calamitous tiding. A different force was obviously responsible. In my opinion, the spectre of that dreadful John Wick had caused all these nocturnal shenanigans.
I have Put My Foot Down. Mister Wick is hereby banned from our home forever. In perpetuity. Until hell freezes over. With no reprieve. Rather an appropriate outcome, methinks!
I'll just put on the kettle and watch another episode of the far more wholesome "Midsomer Murders".
Until next time...
PS our new bonsai branch trimmers have just arrived!
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