I was having difficulty with the intensity of my emotions today. I have just finished watching a stream of this morning's ABC radio breakfast show. With Nadia Mitsopolous ( what a fabulous woman) running a three hour tribute to Russell Woolf the day after his unexpected death. I am mourning a man I didn't know, expect from off the radio and the telly. That he was four years younger than me and died without warning is also scary. And a reminder that life as we know could take a terrible turn in the blink of an eye.
I am also worried about Michael. That his wrist isn't broken is a relief, but we are waiting for the results of yesterday's MRI to learn the actual damage to his left wrist after forty years of physical effort, I also suspect that he has been consuming more of his depression medication that prescribed. Not intentionally, but he was convinced that he should be taking a higher dose. This discovery could answer a few queries about his unsteadiness that led to his falls and raised his blood pressure. I have taken back control of the drugs crate (!) and am monitoring his low mood, his sleep disturbances, his declining short-term memory and his lack of motivation.
So, there we were, Michael still struggling with the figures of the latest power bill and me vacillating about housework when we decided to open out our kits from the National Bowel Cancer Screening Program. Not really wanting to use them but just to view the contents. Ladies and gentlemen, from that moment, the plot has been lost for the rest of the day as we examined the offerings of the kits and read the information booklet.
What a glorious and vaguely inappropriate gift for us today. As we curiously opened the envelope, we were greeted by another sturdier package that presumably held all the necessary parts. Rather like Pass the Parcel, except we were a bit unsure whether we wanted to explore the inner workings.
After slight trepidation, we took the bull by the horns and ripped the cardboard package apart. We were greeted by the instruction leaflet, two small vials with some sort of liquid in them, two toilet liners, a sealable bag with small pad, the participant sheet and a reply paid envelope. And after reading the instruction leaflet, this was when my sense of humour took full flight into unexplored territory.
Apparently, one is supposed to place the toilet liner (writing facing up) across the seat and deposit a sample on the liner. I saw immediate problems and possible catastrophes. What if, comparing myself momentarily to anti vaxxers, I want to place the liner with the writing downwards? What if I don't want to use the liner at all, particularly if I'm prone to floaters? What if, like me, you generally widdle at the same time as pooing? I can see a disaster reminiscent of rising sea levels and sinking islands - what a hideous vision! Then there is the obligation to carry out this operation twice and keep your first poo in the fridge until your second jobby. What is some village idiot mistakes poo in a vial with pate and consumes it? What if the liner falls down the loo and one has to retrieve the sample from the bowl? What if one is struck by either diarrhoea or constipation? Or one then the other? How many days can a lonely poo stay in the fridge when waiting for its companion? And then there is the potential embarrassment of posting one's samples back. Country mail collections may not be as efficient as the city. Which means actually going into the Post Office. How does one go presenting their poo in the vials to the post master...Ye gods, the machinations of this procedure are just eye wateringly hilarious. Multiple failures are probably a quite realistic option during this whole process.
I have thoroughly enjoyed letting my imagination run wild with this post. I would welcome any musings in return. I would be particularly interested in those who have successfully completed bowel cancer screening and can provide feedback on any potential problems. All I can see is the possibly of this turning into a trip up Shit Creek without a paddle...
And I bet Russell Woolf and Eion Cameron are snorting with laughter too somewhere in the cosmos.
Nadia and Russell...
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