Heavenly Beverley : Wallet Attack!

When we think of our pets - past, present or future - we tend to only think of the love and companionship we share, the times they lick our tears away and the moments that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

These delightful images are obviously not frequent in the case of the Problem Child. The Beagle from Hell has caused us more than our fair share of stress, angst and financial pain. She is and will remain until she leaves for the large dog bed in the sky, a pinnacle of mayhem, of disaster, of unforeseen behaviour and a completely one-eyed obsession for food, any food, at all costs.

We have rushed Ruby to the vet for eating over-ripe Cocos Palm nuts. When the fruit turns orange, it is toxic to dogs. Not that she considered the consequences of this action. She nearly died, confounded an emergency vet who didn't have a clue and ended up saved by a dash to another vet who always has valued animals over people. Thanks, George.

Then there was the time Ruby lay in the sun until she was suffering from heat stroke. Another death-defying drive to the vet, an overnight stay with rest and fluids and she was as right as rain.

Ruby also is the proud recipient of a collapsing trachea, a pronounced overbite, a saggy belly, an ongoing battle with weight, a reluctance to exercise, a lack of height and a snore that can be heard from the other side of the house. She looks for any form of food at any time of day or night and often makes extremely dubious diet choices, which may be to her detriment.

And does she give a toss? Never...

Take last week for example. The Beagle and Madame Cat, both coincidentally named Ruby, required a double trip to the vet in order to fleece us of a great deal of cash. Her Feline Majesty now attends the vet every three months for monitoring of her blood pressure and kidney function. Now that her conditions are stable, she only causes us to cough up about two hundred dollars for blood testing and observation. All this attention has not changed her attitude for the better. She still regards us with a sour expression and demands unremitting worship as a deity. Now that she has difficulty jumping, she pulls herself up the side of the bed right next to Michael's ear, much to his discomfort.

The Problem Child managed to brew a whopping ear infection that rapidly went from bad to hideous. How she acquired this bug is a mystery, as she had not been sticking her head into unpleasant places and as her ear slammed shut, the inner chamber has remained unseen. Hence the presence of a grass seed or other foreign object has not been ascertained.

She is currently on antibiotics and steroids in the hope that her ear may recover enough to allow us all to see what is going on Inside. Then, on top of the current six hundred dollar outlay, she will need a snooze on her side to allow the vet to hose out her aural canal known as the Twilight Zone and hopefully end the infection.

Not to be outdone, the Terribly Alert Jack Russell is still snorting and hacking with his bout of reverse sneezing. We have just started him on a trial of Zyrtec (!) in the aim of treating any allergy he has somehow developed. We have ruled out any other nasties, at great expense, and Pip will be much happier, we are sure when he ceases the dreadful rattles that are currently afflicting him.

At least the Pirate Parrot is only moulting at the moment. And being rude, as ever...