The Problem Child For PM!

Given the three-ringed circus occurring in Canberra these last two weeks, I have been considerating the attributes of your average pollie. There are those who genuinely believe that they can make a positive difference for their constituents and by being in Parliament. All too often, they are the ones bullied by the party machines into submission. They either fold and leave, battered and bruised, wondering what madness overtook them or yield to the grubby business of party politics, becoming just another cog in the outfit. The crossbenchers are mostly from the lunatic fringe or have to be smarter than the duopoly that seeks and destroys any dissent that deviates from The Line.

There are notable exceptions - Andrew Wilkie and his ilk have to work harder and longer, morally and ethically, to keep their integrity. Tony Windsor is another I hope returns to the cut and thrust once the electorate comes to their senses. The Greens I run hot and cold. They have some excellent politicians but I worry about their own version of the Backroom Powerbrokers.

That our seventh Prime Minister in ten years has been catapulted into office by Dirty Means, I have begun cogitating about the next leader as I think it quite likely another messy spill may be on the cards. If this is the case, rather than the honourable act which is to call the election now, I would like to promote our very own candidate living right here in Heavenly Beverley.

Ruby the Beagle would be the obvious choice. She is perfect for the role, given that she has most of the characteristics of your average Prime Minister. Let me expand this argument -

She is exceedingly cunning. She may be one sandwich short of a picnic, but what she lacks in brains, she makes up for with sheer instinct.

She has the persistence of a battering ram. Ruby does not understand reason. She may be chastised a thousand times for such behaviour as sleeping on the couch when our backs are turned or stealing food off the dining table or standing on an open dishwasher to lick plates, then she will look at us in blank confusion if we bellow at her latest dreadful escapade.

She is absolutely at one with her ego. She believes utterly that she is always in the right. Hence, when she pushed a dining chair further out with her nose and sprang lightly and quietly onto the table to demolish the rest of our pasta dinner on Wednesday night and I remonstrated with her from the comfort of the sofa, she simply ate faster. She only leapt adroitly from the table when I actually rose to my feet and launched forward towards her is a fit of outraged disbelief.

She can be totally charming. She has beautiful and sweetly innocent kohl-rimmed eyes, comic moves to distract us from her latest bout of naughtiness and an easy-going disposition.

She is convinced of her own infallibility. She would happily blame anybody else for her shortcomings. She is also inherently lazy and would quite easily take the credit for tasks others have actually completed. Her mantra may be summarised as "Why stand when I can sit? Why sit when I can lie down?"

Lastly, she would be the ultimate selection for PM as she is factionless. She would have no interest or care in others' opinions or ideas. As long as she was fed very regularly, watered, with a stinky blanket, access to hard plastic to chomp and her own pooh (or any other's pooh for that matter) as aperitifs, she would be a most agreeable Captain of the Ship indeed.

Hell, Ruby couldn't do a worse job than the latest incumbent.