A Perth Motoring Twelve Days Of Christmas...

Yesterday we ventured once more to the wilds of the Big Smoke. Our Continuing Mission included two appointments with the Boy Wonder and the Delicious Daram and a resupply visit to our darling daughter, who is still battling with the Black Dog and his band of demons.

However the traffic mayhem, as we travelled the roads, highways and freeways, was -

• terrifying
• startling
• bewildering
• anxiety generating
• jaw dropping

in the extreme. 

Perth, now bursting at the seams with a population in excess of two million people, no longer has Peak Hours. How people negotiate these roads every day is a complete mystery. I estimate we were involved in at least two near-misses, were on the receiving end of an angry driver's horn and witnessed a complete inability of most drivers to competently - drive. Either too timid or too agressive, chaos is the new normal. 

The traffic only has upscaling of Heavy - quite heavy, extremely heavy or at a bloody standstill. As for the Ferality Index, measuring road rage, there is no lower end. From the colour of their faces to their furious contenances, I am surprised that so many appear to complete their journeys without having a stroke.

So, in honour of the repeated attempted murders and near-suicides we witnessed on the city roads yesterday, I have decided to rejig the Twelve Days of Christmas. Starting on these lyrics yesterday afternoon, as Michael was attempting to get us out of Perth in one piece, I tried to add enough humour to my version to encourage drivers to smile, relax and treat other road users with a bit more understanding and consideration.

Without further ado, here is my rendition of (A Perth Motoring) Twelve Days of Christmas.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

seven loads a-flapping

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

eight bikes a-swerving

seven loads a-flapping

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

nine maniacs merging

eight bikes a-swerving

seven loads a-flapping

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

ten twats a-turning

nine maniacs merging

eight bikes a-swerving

seven loads a-flapping

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

eleven drongos driving

ten twats a-turning

nine maniacs merging

eight bikes a-swerving

seven loads a-flapping

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love showed to me -

twelve blinkers blinking

eleven drongos driving

ten twats a-turning

nine maniacs merging

eight bikes a-swerving

seven loads a-flapping

six utes a-smoking

five hapless cars

four screeching horns

three jolting stops

two halted queues

and 

a traffic light flattened on the ground."

And as I have been able to compose this alternative renditions of the Twelve Days of Christmas, we obviously did arrive back in Heavenly Beverley with no reports or injuries. 

Unless you count a stitch due to my lip biopsy and Michael's line of multiple stitches from a lesion removed from his elbow. Any pain associated with our appointments was miraculously cured by several glasses of vino before bed.

And next week, we get to do this adventure all over again. Maybe my Twelve Days of Christmas could expand into a mass singalong whilst we are caught once more in traffic!

The original "Twelve Days of Christmas"

In the olden days, driving was more of a pleasure. A chance for a meeting with friends...

or a more sedate way of travelling from A to B.

However, my Perth Motoring Twelve Days of Christmas was inspired by scenes like this -

and traffic jams are so prevalent, it is tempting to resort to this -

whilst waiting for the green light.

So how do traffic lights end up flattened on the ground? One possible explanation...

or another less likely scenario -

But the answer to negotiating traffic is -

Here is a useful exercise for surviving on the roads -

and this is Michael's expression after a day on Perth's roads.

However, after another hazardous experience in the Big Smoke, we had the perfect andidote waiting for us at Station House!

 

Here's to staying alive!