Heavenly Beverley : "The 100 Homicide Torture" and other Gruesome Tests of Endurance.

For those of us who grew up in the sixties and seventies, the Australian police drama "Homicide" was a fixture in most of our homes. Hector Crawford, a prolific television producer, churned out episode after episode of "Homicide", 'Division 4", "Matlock Police", "Bluey"and "Cop Shop", with regular and recognisable characters - the police, the villains, a young thug or two, the informers, the matriarchs (or abused cowering wives) with the usual car chases, a bit of shooting and definitely no blood. My personal highlight was watching all those hats staying on the heads of the suited detectives as they ran in hot pursuit of the criminal or leapt out of moving cars to apprehend a fleeing guilty party.

Those were the days, the super glued headgear, the ties and the suits. As fashions changed hair grew longer, trousers changed shape, ties grew wider, shirts became louder and shoes higher. And eventually, God forbid, the police detectives stopped wearing hats altogether.

But, as time has passed, those classic series became rather quaint, daggy and excruciatingly laughable. The original advertisements were probably worse. Who else has the jingle pop up unexpectedly in their heads..."don't wait to be told, you need Palmolive Gold!" Or remembers..."why is it we always leave the party first? and she responds "It's my girdle, can't move, can't breathe". Not to mention "Ooohhh, it does get in!"

Although we loved these old television shows, we have buried them where they belong - dozens of VCR tapes gathering dust and spider webs in Granny's TV cabinet. One of these ancient tapes would only be exhumed as the ultimate punishment for a heinous misdemeanour. This would have to be..."The 100 Homicide Torture". I have never met anyone who has undergone this hideous torment and survived to tell the tale. This is a fate worse than death. The victim is tied to a chair, with their eyes taped open, forced to watch the same episode of "Homicide" (with the accompanying commercials) one hundred times. In black and white. No wonder this fearsome reel of tape is only spoken of in hushed tones.

Imagine being forced to sit through hours of drivel, gobbledegook, inane commentary and nonsensical dialogue. The terror of this scenario is, tragically, with us as we speak.

Filling our heads with mind numbing rubbish, incomprehensible mantras, and appalling fairy tales, we have been enduring the Federal Election Campaign for an interminable two months.

Day in, day out, our fearless politicians have perfected saying nothing about their own policies, pointing the finger at the other team, avoided answering direct questions at all costs and the absolute best - the #Faketradie advertisement supporting the Liberal Party, which was shot down in flames within hours and went viral for all the wrong reasons. In no time at all, a bunch of politicians and their media advisors confirmed they were indeed living in an alternate universe to the rest of us.

And our esteemed Prime Minister had the last brilliant word. He confirmed that promises made in election races were not to be trusted, that they were only for the benefit of dumb voters. That has been the only real moment of truth in this long winded fiasco. Except I presume the Prime Minister wasn't meaning to be funny....

The only light at the end of the tunnel is the media blackout which begins tomorrow. We will have twenty-four hours of blissful respite from the endless political bombardment. Like "the Hundred Homicide Torture", even federal election campaigns eventually splutter out. Until the next time.