Heavenly Beverley : Like it or not, I'm talking about bums...

I'll let you all into a little secret - I am pretty sure I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), that I have had it in varying levels for many years and that - oh goody - the effects are getting worse with age.

Nobody wants to discuss their bums. Why do we have such hang-ups about our bums? They perform a very important function in removing waste and gas from our bodies. They do so from birth until we pop off ( Freudian slip there) the mortal coil. Yet I remember as a young child being mortified by these ghastly smells that would emanate from my posterior more than occasionally. Nobody told me about farting and for quite some time, I believed I had some dreadful bottom illness. Eventually, I realised that others also fart but I was still highly embarrassed if I let rip, particularly with no warning. An incident in a meditation class in Year 8 has scarred me for life.

Teenage and early adult life with all the yo-yo dieting I practised played havoc with my bum. If I wanted to wear a certain slinky dress on Saturday night, I would barely eat for days. Naturally, this translated into chronic constipation and one horrendous trip to Emergency when I thought I was dying but I was just clogged up the back passage and beyond. I wanted to dig a very large hole in the floor and cringe privately for the rest of my life.

Caesarian sections were another fabulous digression for my bum's normal (?) habits. Having five caesarian sections in six years was a disaster for my pelvic floor, my lower abdominal muscles and my bum. Plus, the profound grief from the deaths of four of my babies didn't assist my dietary intake, impacting (what an excellent word!) even more on my long-suffering digestive tract.

The years passed. Twice I lost a heap of weight by exercising and diet. Except by this stage, the weight was most reluctant to depart and I had to grit my teeth and wait agonising months for the kilos to shrink. And when my first marriage was imploding, anxiety sabotaged my appetite. All not good for my bum.

Later I used a drug called Duromine, which is really "legal speed", with varying degrees of success. And because I had an ectopic heartbeat, I was told "no" by one GP, so I visited another to receive the prescription. Later, when I realised that a heart attack or a stroke were not options I wished to explore, I reluctantly gave Duromine the flick.

After meeting Michael, I began gaining weight; I think because I was truly happy. With a far more normal diet and great enjoyment of vino, IBS made a most unpleasant entry into my otherwise wonderful life. The worst problem was that my bum was becoming increasingly explosive, often with little warning. This aspect of my battle with IBS is what our delightful GP refers to as a "shart" - which is the combination of a fart and follow through. Each time these incidents have occurred, I have been shattered. Loss of body control isn't funny. I never knew there was actually a term for these horrifying accidents. And that is both funny and a relief.

So, what are my choices? I have been noting foods and drinks that seem to disturb and those that don't. Lactose appears to be a major trigger, so I have started on lactose-free milk. Hard cheese is fine, as long as I don't pig out. Dips that are lactose-free are great. Red wine, particularly more than a few, plays havoc, as do bananas and my favourite dish of all time - Eggs Benedict. That and my dessert yoghurt are my biggest regrets at having to give away.

I don't appear to have any issues with gluten, but I often eat gluten-free when we have friends over for a meal. Garlic I refuse to part with - I'd be open to attack by vampires. White wine and spirits seem ok if I don't overindulge. Most of the veggies on the FODMAP diet are ones I enjoy.

And whilst discussing all these issues yesterday with Doctor Stephanie (in between hysterical bouts of laughter), I decided to add Metamucil to my diet. Gone are the days when this stuff was gag-inducing. The wild berry flavour is surprisingly palatable.

I reckon we should start a Bums Forum. I am interested in tips from everybody in my own quest for a comfortable bum. And maybe if we can start openly discussing our bums, and not just in whispers or at the doctors' surgeries, we might develop a more balanced view of a very important part of our anatomy and physiology.

Bottoms Up!