Heavenly Beverley : Dreams

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
Takes to the sky like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised to you heaven?
Will you ever win?

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless
All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised to you heaven?
Will you ever win?
Will you ever win?

Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon

She rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised to you heaven?
Will you ever win?
Will you ever win?

Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon

Oooooh
Taken by
Taken by the sky
Oooooh
Taken by
Taken by the sky
Oooooh
Taken by
Taken by the sky
Oooooh

Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind
Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind

I dreamt of my Mum last night, simultaneously whilst dreaming of the ethereal Stevie Nicks performing "Rhiannon". How jumbled were the images of Mum and the White Witch, the Welsh Witch, the Goddess or whoever Rhiannon was. The lyrics are an echo of Mum, of who she was, of how I perceived her and the circumstances of her death.

My darling Mum was a difficult woman. She created havoc all around her, particularly for her family. I am convinced that her actions were not deliberate, but a reflection of her own chaotic childhood and the fractured adult she became. She would turn on and off people in an instant - love intensely and then brutally reject. Friends, husband, children and others.

Catching up with my brothers in August was a revelation. All older than me, their memories filled so many gaps in my memories. Houses build and never lived in, frequent arbitrary moves caused only by Mum's whims, all of us played off one against the others, madness, delirium and lies.

Four moves within Sydney over five years. My closest brother, Michael's mental disintegration at fifteen. Michael fleeing the maelstrom. Becoming an only child in bewildering circumstances. Longing for visits from Dave and Simon (living in Brisbane) to believe we were like a normal family. Feeling like a commodity who was never included in decision making. Returning to Queensland for my final year of school - bereft. lonely, confused. A new home, a new dog ( to compensate for losing my beloved dog and cat in Sydney), another new school. Mum and Dad were caught up in the creation of Dad's accountancy practice. I was always on the periphery.

And so I started nursing. And looked for love. One psychologist I saw commented that I married young to fill a gaping hole in my heart. I married the male version of Mum. Poor bastard - he was behind the eight ball as well. My early married life was a succession of pregnancies, births, deaths and grief. I saw counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists. I explored psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and a see saw of anti-depressants. My massive breakdown in 2006 was entirely predictable.

Now, I have recovered. More or less. I am fifty-six and bloody proud. I am married to another Michael, who is the love of my life.

Mum died last November. I believe she took her own life. This is not to be condemned as she was in a great deal of pain. However, she abandoned Dad whilst he still needed her around him. And for that reason, I am angry.

Tonight, I had word that Dad's health has taken rather a tumble. He is ninety-two and has lived for ten months since Mum died. He worshipped her, despite how she treated him, which was often less than desirable.So I am wondering whether we will need to return to the other side of the country sooner than anticipated. We had hoped to see Dad in February.

I think he wishes to join her. I would love for them to reunite and find everlasting peace together.