There's an Elephant in the Corner

I have always considered elephants to be pretty unique and somehow endearing. Maybe that's because they are rather ungainly. Like me. Not attractive in any conventional sense. Like me. Saggy baggy with rolls of additional skin that get in the way. Like me. Elephants are also social and loud. Like me. And they love deeply. If you've ever viewed an elephant mourning the loss of a member of their group, you will empathise with their profound grief. That they feel. Like us.

There are other sorts of elephants I'd had in my life. I've hung elephant chains with bells off our big swamp she-oak in the garden. I currently have an electric blue bowl decorated with elephants that is our key depository by the front door. I have wooden elephants in our bedroom. I have a train of little pottery elephants in our guest bedroom.

And then there's the elephant in the corner. She changes shape and form as needs be, depending on the situation. She can be "the lack of money" elephant as we struggle to achieve our hopes and dreams for the East End Gallery. She can be the "fear of another chest infection" elephant, particularly as we approach the end of summer. She can be the "I'm so bloody tired" elephant as I concentrate on keeping all the balls I'm juggling in the air. She can even change species and morph into the black dog, who periodically nips at both our heels.

I'm going to try another tack with my elephant in the corner. I'm been seeing a new psych who I think really gets me. She talks about roads being built between one thought and another and become the preferred "route", even when that connection is flawed or heads in the wrong direction. For example, my adoration for Michael has lead me to this all-consuming fear of his death. Or, my desire to be "the good girl" means I behave for the benefit of others, rather than myself. I have to practise starting to take new roads, create detours, double back as necessary. I have to stop beating myself up if I do hurtle up the familiar road that leads me to hell. By taking the different road next time.

I choose for my elephant to become my ally in this new quest. As I am a visual person, I can see her. She is rather a  beautiful elephant, with very long eyelashes and a hot pink ribbon tied in a bow at the top of her head. She has to be fairly short for an elephant and very flexible too, as she will travel with me in my sporty little yellow buzz box, my car named Goldilocks.

She and I both understand that new tricks are sometimes hard to learn. That's why I need my elephant with me if I'm otherwise on my own. I know I will have setbacks and scrapes, but I actually see sense in my psych's alternative line of thought. And what have I got to lose?

So. next time you see me hurtling around in my groovy little Accent named Goldie, check out my stunning travelling companion. She will be wearing a bright pink hair ribbon and her ears will probably be flapping in the wind. Give us a wave and wish us luck.