Heavenly Beverley : Silly Point, Dummy Half, Shepherding, Tries, Tests and Farnarkeling

We are in the midst of Finals Season. The NRL (National Rugby League) and AFL (Australian Football League) are both revelling in their last hurrah games of this winter. Complete insanity has ensued through bitterly cold days and nights for the faithful to barrack for their beloved teams. Tonight, the Melbourne Football Club beat the Hawthorn Football Club by thirty-three points. Watched by ninety thousand people crammed into the Melbourne Cricket Club ground. Thankfully, this was not a particularly cool evening so the devoted fans did not need to be thawed out after the game.

On top of all this revelry, the cricket season is just around the corner. Cricket in Australia is amusing just for the state weather options available to visiting teams. Officially played through spring, summer and the beginning of autumn, temperatures can range from hot and steamy, bloody hot and dry, bloody hot and steamy or cold and drizzly. Throw in the odd Australian thunderstorm with hail and torrential rain and watching the grounds staff becomes a spectator sport as they battle to cover the precious pitch in the face of driving rain and the blast of a southerly buster.

All these sports have seriously funny terms for positions and plays. Take Silly Point for example. This is a cricket fielding place where some poor bastard, wearing a helmet for scant safety, crouches to the left of the batsman about halfway distance down the pitch. If he's lucky, Silly Point could grab a scalding catch by sheer instinct. If he's unlucky, he could be struck at high speed by a cricket ball on just about any part of his anatomy.

Dummy Half is the Rugby League player who stands behind the bloke who pushes the ball back after a tackle has stopped play. He then runs with the ball, passes the ball or kicks the ball. Probably he is also the unlucky recipient of a fart from the player in front. Then he has seconds to react before he is pummelled to the ground. For a ball.

Shepherding brings images of footy players with sheep firmly under their arms, collecting a flock to purposely move them between the goals. No such luck. Shepherding actually involves an AFL player "legally" blocking, bumping or pushing an opponent off the ball. AFL, unlike American Gridiron, is played without any sort of body protection, except for the massive amounts of physiotherapy tape used to hold players together during the matches. A hip and shoulder move involves one player using his upper body to persuade his opposite number that his presence is not entirely welcome. Unless this bump involves contact with the other's head (!) or back, this practice is entirely legal in AFL.

A Rugby League Try is the action of grounding the ball in the designated goal area. Apparently, a Rugby Union Try has a slightly different definition, with the goal validating the previous action. Not that I am very familiar with Rugby in either of its forms. Having lived in Western Australia since I was twenty, I was introduced to AFL through vino and nibbles on weekend afternoons. Hence my ignorance of both forms of Rugby.

A cricket Test is particularly bamboozling to anybody not familiar with the game. Played over five days, two teams each have two innings to attempt to win the contest. Except sometimes, a Test will end in a Draw. Nobody wins, after five days. Only the Poms could invent such a game. I began watching cricket on the telly at the age of eight or thereabouts. The late 1960s and 1970s was a time of domination by Australian cricket teams. Until the Windies arrived...Occasionally, I ponder on the state of world cricket. I love the game but cheating and collusion appear to have become more prevalent. I hope this is a trend that does not continue.

And finally, farnarkeling. That genius Kiwi, John Clarke, whom we adopted as our own here in Australia was instrumental in introducing the term "farnarkeling" into our vocabulary via his New Zealand alter ego of Fred Dagg. This was a competition involving "arkling". "flukem". "propelling a gonad", "phlange", "wiffenwacker" and the delicious "transom-housing". Totally incomprehensible but breathtakingly exhilarating was the exquisite joy of listening to a farnarkeling commentary.

So, there you have it. A brief synopsis of some sporting expressions that will go down in history. Sport, in many ways, unites us. As does comedy. Let's continue not to take ourselves too seriously.

Congratulations to the Melbourne Football Club on tonight's victory. And best of luck to the West Coast Eagles as they meet Melbourne next weekend.