Keeping the Black Dog at Bay.

The Black Dog has been my intermittent companion for most of my life. A close relation of The Bitch, he is sneaky, ruthless, demanding  and can overwhelm my resolve to live my life well. I try to keep him on a short leash in the shadows, but every now and then, the cocky bastard slips his collar and returns to my heels, nipping at me so I know he's back.

I never know when he'll try to reassert himself. But when he does, I have to fight him with every fibre in my being. Sometimes, he'll undermine me so rapidly that I don't seem to have time to counteract his advances. For no particularly good reason, he reappeared this week, in the aftermath of a ridiculous spat Michael and I had. Neither of us can actually remember how this episode started and I began to spiral out of my carefully constructed control.

First the Black Dog whispered in my ear. A low, quiet growl, reminding me I was useless, worthless, a waste of space. Then he started snarling loudly in my head. You stupid cow, you can't do anything right. We mounted the emotional seesaw together and I was swinging wildly between anger and despair, longing and grief. Finally, he catapulted me down into my own personal hell, that dark, deep well that threatened to suffocate and drown me. My misery was all encompassing.

The shell of me that was left struggled to make sense of it all. I started by trying to describe these feelings as clearly as I could to Michael. I'd talk and cry. Then talk and cry some more. We went to bed and I slept and clenched my teeth and dreamt and used Michael's presence as a life buoy so I had a foundation to hang on to until morning.

The next day was filled with a heavy fog and tentative steps out of the well. I tried to finish the registration of our business name online. I was so muddled by the noise in my head this took forever and repeated phone calls to ASIC.  I didn't care that I broke down on multiple occasions with their reps. I just needed someone to help me finish this task. In the end, it was all for nought. The Internet decided to go down and threw me off and my precious ASIC transfer number couldn't work a second time. I threw in the towel and rang Michael to come home. Which he did.

I pulled myself together enough to work n the garden with Michael. He wasn't feeling flash with the abscess in his tooth and I needed to be in the open air. A branch off one of our trees had come down and needed to be sawn up, collected and delivered to next year's burning pile. We also kept a stock of large pieces to dry as firewood.

The exercise was the boost I needed to haul myself out of the top of my bloody well. I pondered what had happened. I knew my mood swings had been getting a tad more frequent. It was time to take action. I tied the black mongrel back up and started the job, again, of putting him back out of sight. Where he belongs.

I'm recovering from the Black Dog's latest onslaught. In the light of day, I am annoyed at myself for allowing him under my defences. But that can't be changed. All I can do is arm myself better against him. So, I've been to the doctor and I'm on some additional meds and I'm doing a lot of thinking and talking and sharing. I'm getting lots of the physical attention from Michael, which I'm craving and he's freely giving. We are both really trying to be aware of each other's needs.

And yesterday, we went to the "Stellabration". Meeting and being with such an eclectic bunch of people all thrown together in remembering a passionate young woman. Most of us had never known her. Didn't matter. Just being there gave me renewed purposed to stop waffling. And never forget to live the best I can.

And now, risking that I could be labelled a pompous wally, here are my latest tips for trying to get my equilibrium back. And keep the chaotic canine menace in the background, out of my life.

• Practise being proud (thank you Stella).
• Talk with your friendly, GP, shrink, naturopath or witch doctor about strategies/ drugs.
• Share with your significant other or a close friend(s).
• Get outside.
• Escape if necessary. I drove around the block the other night. When I told Marian (the quack) that I'd also drunk a bottle of wine, she raised one eyebrow and suggested that next time, I go on foot.
• Do something that gives you pleasure, even if it's only a temporary reprieve. 
• Do not tell anybody who is going to react over the top. Causes embarrassment on top of distress.
• In moments of lucidity, recognise that this too will pass.
• Hang onto any positive - a golden moment - to give you the energy to fight.

And I try to remember (courtesy of "Anne of Green Gables"?) that tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it yet!

Okay, fellow lunatics, you may all groan now. And hopefully have a good day.

Cowabunga!